Dear Over Indulgent Sweet Tea Drinker,
I appreciate that the quenching of your insatiable thirst is of the utmost importance to you; however, I believe that your ninja-like ability to down an entire glass of freshly poured tea in the .3 seconds it takes for me to blink my weary eyes is, at the very least, extreme exaggeration. Please know that Lipton and Company, along with numerous other producers of this fine Southern tradition will continue operation tomorrow, as usual, and you will have ample opportunities to harass other hard-working employees of the Food & Beverage Industry for 7 and 3 quarters glasses of tea before you order dinner (which, by the way, still hasn’t happened due to your never-ending barrage of self-important single-sided “conversation” unfairly abusing your “friends” tired eardrums as they plead silently with pain-filled eyes for me to put them out of their rapidly increasing misery before they inevitably commit group suicide, of which, I have zero desire to clean up if I did have the time, but I’m just TOO busy brewing yet another urn of tea). Please understand that no amount of any liquid with 1 whole pound of sugar to every gallon will EVER save your speach-swollen tongue from being plagued by increasingly persistent cottonmouth caused by said incessantly borish and incredibly pompous babbling. Also…in my rambling, I forgot to include my overwhelming, heartfelt gratitude for the three ones and six whole quarters you left strewn about the farm animal-like filth covering what used to be a dinner table as my “tip” on the 128 dollar check you fought and argued persistently with your “friends” to pay while insisting with genuine, yet moronic, ignorance that you tip much better than they do. Gee, 3.515%…I earned EVERY decimal place.